In the Midst of Failure

Let’s be real.

I have failed.

In so many ways.

When was the last time I wrote a blog post? I started this blog in a time of big transitions and changes in my life. In the midst of my normalcy being shaken, God was speaking to me in a new way and I was compelled to write it all down. I felt a call to share the revelations He was giving me with others. I wanted to share how I was finding joy in this journey I was given.

But I let life get in the way. The same life I was called to write about.

To be quite honest, I hate Maryland. I know that’s a harsh, ugly word… So we’ll say that I STRONGLY dislike it. It’s just NOT my cup of tea! First of all, why is it 30 degrees at night? And don’t get me started on the blue crab and state flags everywhere. They just don’t say “State Pride” like the Texas flag. Of course, that’s just my opinion. But aside from that, it’s not home. Maryland is without my family and friends. I have spent many days feeling completely homesick and alone. Have I been finding joy in this new state? Nope. I failed.

Then, there was my new job. I was excited to begin working with kids again, and see faces other than my husband’s (No offense, Joshua). But instead I encountered negativity, opposition, disrespect, and other co-workers lying about me out of pure jealousy. Focusing on what I loved- teaching children- became difficult as I struggled to stay positive and keep a smile on my face. I would cry and complain every night. I had anxiety attacks many mornings when I pulled into the parking lot at work. Was I finding joy in my new job? No way. I failed, again.

Then, when my brother-in-law found himself in the hospital, my family’s world was shaken. I was tired of being told that God had purpose for bringing me to Maryland. I didn’t want to hear people quote Romans 8:28 anymore. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.” Where was this good? Instead of things coming together, everything seemed to be falling apart. All I wanted to do was hold my sister’s hand and stand by my nieces.

I felt useless.

Defeated.

I had failed.

So, I let life get in the way. I let “life” be my excuse for not writing. I let “life” keep me from doing the things I loved. I let “life” steal my joy.

But I can’t live like that, anymore. I shouldn’t live like that! I serve a God who defeated death, hell, and the grave. If Christ can make the blind see, the lame walk, and the blind see again, I know He can do something with my life. He WILL do something with my life. Failure is not the end, but living in defeat just might be.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NIV)